Frivolity
Printed From: BMPT Forum
Category: General Discussion
Forum Name: Coastal Forces
Forum Description: Discussion about Coastal Forces
URL: http://www.bmpt.co.uk/forum_posts.asp?TID=277
Printed Date: 26 March 2026 at 6:52pm
Topic: Frivolity
Posted By: Christian
Subject: Frivolity
Date Posted: 15 February 2007 at 5:52pm
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Please please please may we have a Jokes section; I've just been on the Model Boat Mayhem forum and lifted this gem;
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe |
Replies:
Posted By: d-zine
Date Posted: 19 February 2007 at 3:42pm
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I don't now whether this measures up to Christians first post but I think this section is worth keeping up, laughter is the best treatment in the world The men's guide to what a woman really means when she says something
You
want = You want
---------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ --------
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. I have omitted some of the less tasteful responses out of this. ------------- Advance - Runaway Quickly , Runaway Quickly |
Posted By: Christian
Date Posted: 19 February 2007 at 5:13pm
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Only £50.00? Lucky bloke. |
Posted By: dgray
Date Posted: 25 February 2007 at 11:51pm
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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate." Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways." A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!". Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "You should see the back of mine." |
Posted By: dgray
Date Posted: 25 February 2007 at 11:52pm
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I hope this doesn't offend any of our American friends... Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing, and concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident" "Oh No", the President exclaims. "That's terrible". His staff sit there, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President slumps, head in hands. Finally the President looks up and asks... "How many is a brazillion?" ------------- Don Only a number, not even a name. How shall posterity hear of thy fame? |
Posted By: dgray
Date Posted: 25 February 2007 at 11:54pm
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An Irishman goes for a job at a farm. The farmer says: "Have you ever shoed horses?", and he says: "No, but I told a donkey to f**k off once". |
Posted By: dgray
Date Posted: 06 March 2007 at 12:33am
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MARINER’S ENGLISH The IMO has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the sea, rather than German, which was the other possibility. [How did the French and Spanish let this one slip through their fingers?] As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase in plan that would be known as Euro-English. In the first year, s will replace the soft c. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard c will be dropped in favor of the k. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ph will be replased with the f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter! In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w wiz v. During ze fifz year ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yer ye vil hay a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer. Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!! ------------- Don Only a number, not even a name. How shall posterity hear of thy fame? |
Posted By: clive
Date Posted: 19 March 2007 at 7:03pm
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Did you know about Rolf Harris? He had a couple of inches put on his digerydoo so that he could go deeper. Sorry! ------------- masbie something in the water. www.freewebs.com/masb32/ |
Posted By: Pioneer
Date Posted: 19 March 2007 at 7:11pm
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I would ask members to realise that the site is read by many and some may take exception to certain levels of humour. I do think this may have come close to crossing the line. ------------- Pioneer - Forum Moderator |
Posted By: clive
Date Posted: 19 March 2007 at 7:54pm
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Lowering the tone (Rolf) ------------- masbie something in the water. www.freewebs.com/masb32/ |